Wednesday, 17 August 2016
I've had the same vacuum cleaner for almost 20 years now and can I remember how to put it back in the cupboard!, without its pipes acting like a sex-starved octopus?
No, I can't.
Every time it fights me back, until I end up screaming obscenities and slamming the door no matter what bits of it are still sticking out. No wonder it hates me.
So too does the oven. It knows I'm a woman of a certain vintage and has therefore deliberately faded the already tiny icons around the controls so that I haven't a clue what setting it is on.
I'm challenged enough in the cooking department without having the equipment turn against me, is it really so bad that I either undercook everything or burn it to a crisp? If I could see what I was doing with those silly little dials, maybe there'd be an improvement. I'm better off I reckon, to hiring an in house chef for our health.
I confess, I was delighted recently when an expert cook accidentally flambéed her famous chicken dish on fan bake! It highlighted the fact that we really don't know how fan bake works.
As for fan grill, this same expert cook has had her new oven for three years and still has to check the instruction book every time she wants to use it!
"There's also a setting that's good if you're doing two trays of cookies, but again, I'd have to look at the book to know which one," she says. So you see, I don't stand a chance with a new model stove in this house. Makes you think perhaps we're better off going back to living in tents and throwing some sticks on the fire to roast a pigeon.
I think I've told you before that our ancient Kenwood mixer is on a suicide mission and works its way across the bench-top so it can throw itself on the floor, but now I think the fridge is out to get me too!
It's started making the loudest, most horrible noise but only when I leave the room, when I come back in to look at it, it stops.
I've brought it on myself with my abuse of the vacuum cleaner and possibly also repeated threats to replace the Kenwood. But what have I done to the oven other than torture perfectly good food and loudly state my preference for barbecuing.